fitting in/opting out

 I once based my life around meeting with people who I would otherwise actively avoid any interaction with in order to arrange contract work as a commercial photographer. I was successful in this for a short time. By successful I mean I was paid considerable sums of money to assist entities in making more money. Many of these entities operate in ways that I fundamentally oppose and stand for little other than advancing profit, often at the expense of their customers. The photographs I took were as required, yet meaningless. I was working 15 hour days, drinking heavily and spending almost all of my time with people I had nothing in common with - or outright detested. Later on I discovered this is what most people do at work every day, from 9AM-5PM for most of their lives.

One day I broke down. I could no longer take the cycle of 'success'. I could no longer produce work that achieved nothing other than to assist corporations I felt were damaging their customers. I was lucky enough to not have bought in completely to the requirements of success; I did not have a mortgage or any loans to repay. If I did, I'd probably still be taking photographs at wine and cheese functions where important people in expensive suits talk about how much they've achieved in the last quarter. 

What did I do instead? I went traveling for a few years, lived in the developing world and went back to university. I have been living off what most people would call fumes. Yet I have lost weight, drink far, far less, my hair actually started going backwards from the premature grey it was becoming and I took the time to complete a full course of therapy as a primary focus rather than as an annoying second to my work. 

I was a pretty awful, fractured human being a few years ago. Though I don't believe I was any worse than most people who are forced to accept the unspoken formula of born-school-university-career-retirement (if you're lucky) and death. Most people place their growth as a human being a distant second to their financial concerns and job prospects. This is not a criticism of the people I have met. I believe we are all fundamentally the same thing: products of an industrialised education that rejects individuality and places financial security and material wealth above all else. 

Now I work two days a week and live near the beach in a modest dwelling with a loving partner I'd never have met if I hadn't put my humanity before society's and my family's expectations of me. I explore the local area and take photographs for enjoyment. I work on small projects like restoring my Grandfather's straight razors, making cold pressed coffee, reading classics I never thought I'd be able to understand let alone appreciate and do what I can to learn more about sustainable living.

 I'm often confused however as the pull of a normal life is strong when almost every person you meet, film you watch and advertisement tries to suck you back in. I find myself both within and without as Nick Carraway recalled at the end of The Great Gatsby. That's the challenge though isn't it? How do you fit in to a society you feel is fundamentally broken? Do you seek to change it or do you retreat from it? I'm not sure where I fit in yet, but for now I simply want to take the time to find out what kind of person I want to be and what I want my life to amount to.